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Saturday, 25 December 2010

Pseudo Freedom

I'm free.
Free to do whatever I want.....
Free to work, and work some more
Free to earn, and earn some more
And then .......
Free to spend, and spend some more

Is this freedom though?
- free to sin, and sin some more?
- free to indulge myself,
and indulge some more?
free to ignore the truth if I choose to,
to turn the other way?
- free to wash my hands off my responsibility
to God and Society?

Is this what freedom means?
Am I free to call indulgence a waste?
- or a lapse in morality a sin?

Alas! I have put my conscience to sleep –

drugged it into a lull
of false security –

the 'ecstasy' of activity –

and I'm on the run!

Every time my inner voice
lifts its head from
its drugged slumber,
I quickly soothe it back to sleep
with some more 'interesting things to do’ -
a game? some TV? a soap?
perhaps..... food? new clothes? gossip? keep me occupied.

The 'activity of sleep' is now a habit,

my second nature –

If I’m not asleep, I’m ‘bored’!

And time, the silent witness, is passing by.

I’m losing out.

I have to rehabilitate –

Break my dependence;

break the shackles of this enslavement,

and liberate myself.
Free me

from this prison of pseudo freedom

That the world has put on 'sale' -

And I have bought.

Saturday, 6 November 2010


Awaken your mind!
Invent something!
Climb on to the ladder of success
Go change the world,
For you have chance at your door!
Youth at your feet!
Intelligence - your slave!
Life - your wealth!
Time - your cash in hand!

Faith – your strength!
Use them!

What are you waiting for?
The sky is the limit for you!
Reach out to the sky then
And pluck off the stars!
(they were put there for you!)
Keep moving!
Take no breaks.
Take no time off.
Take no time to chill.
Keep moving!

Make time for just one thing –

Remembrance of Allah -
And bow down before Him,
(the world will bow before you!)
Because He lights the candle of your life -
And He alone has the power to snuff it out.
With Him on your side
It will be payback time –

All the time -
with success in this world,
And success in the hereafter.

Go out then,
And become what He has created you to be –
Go out!
And design your destiny!

Sunday, 31 October 2010


'Oh Allah!
Let me make much of the good things that happen to me in life,

though they be little

- because happiness results only from gratitude.
Let me make little of trials and hurdles that come before me

though they be great

- for You have selected me for these tests

- thought me capable & worthy of facing them;

chosen them as my route to reaching You.

Therefore, oh Allah!
Make me strong.

Protect me from despair

- lest I seek help from others and not You.'

She's gone

She's gone,
slipping through my fingers.

I let her go.
And like deer released
she became a part of the forest
as if it was familiar -
a long lost homeland.
And like a fish
let back into the sea
she entered the depths
and embraced the unknown
as if it were a long lost friend.

And I, her guardian,
stood on the brink
and watched her disappear
displaced by the undergrowth,
displaced by the waves
- as if she had never been mine.

Monday, 11 October 2010

Man is a Pauper

Man is a pauper, really
he has nothing of real value
to give anybody.
Whatever he claims he owns
is actually not his.

I am rich!
I am young!
Iam healthy!
I am alive!
Actually he isn't.

It is best not to expect much from him.

Sunday, 10 October 2010


My words sound like a pretence
even to my own ears.
How must they seem to him
Who is aleady hurting?
- Like salt sprinkling
On an open wound.
I can understand if he thinks
I don't care -

But I do.

I have failed this child of mine
And it kills me inside-
the guilt, the regret.
I have no one but myself to blame
Had I only been wiser ........
Had I only been braver .........

I had no time fo him: he said.
It's true I had no time for him.
And I let him down
For one reason or another
And there can be no forgiveness -

It wasn't a lack of love -
No. I loved him then
- and I love him now.
No. It wasn't the loving
that was at fault -
It was the reason for living
that was faulty.
Had I learnt to live for Allah
rather than man
I would have loved and lived
With no regrets. No regrets. No regrets.

Now - there is no turning back
The hands of my life-clock.
To live again the time mis-spent.

The future though is mine -
And I'm still breathing.
I must heal the wounds
And ease the years of pain
Repaint the canvas of his mind
With happy memories
With trust and generosity
So that he can be whole again.
So he can, perhaps,
forgive me
And there can be peace for both of us.

O Allah, let me not die
before I have made peace with my child.
Before I have given him in full
what is rightfully his
-the love you placed in my heart
so I could bestow it on him.
You are indeed
The Most Merciful of the meciful.

Thursday, 30 September 2010


The silence has extended too long.
Too long have I waited.................
..............twenty days too long.

The silence

Has not broken.
Not a whisper have I heard
Not a word,

Not a text,
Not even a smiley that’s angry.

Just silence.

Silence that is overpowering
Silence that is enveloping
Silence that is so quiet
I can hear its roar reverberate
around me.
Silence that is frightening me
Silence that is clouding my judgement
Silence that is taking over
Silence that is changing my life.
Silence that is damaging all I stand for
Silence that is terrifying me
Silence that is the signpost
in the story of my life

Marking an end ............

...........and a beginning of another end.

Silence that has begotten more silences.
Silence that has brought a quiet - without tranquillity.
Silence that is disturbing the peace

Replacing it with a clamour of emotions.
A heavy, heavy silence

Weighing down my heart.

Silent rooms.

Silent house.

Silent voices.
Silent laughter.
Silent tears.
Silent yearning..........

......................yearning for a shattering

A shattering of silence.

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

reality is hitting home

Reality is hitting home.
The glamour and excitement of partying;
the relief and euphoria
of having found 'suitable spouses'
for both my daughters... is fading -
and reality is hitting home.
My girl is about to leave.

For good.

She is flying away to build her own nest...
leaving in my home
an empty space,
an empty bed,
an empty chair,
and empty air -
empty of her laughter.

There is a knot stuck in my throat
that I can't swallow;
and a twist where my heart is
that I can't untie.
I know I will cry soon -
very soon,
yet, for the present
I've kept my tears at bay.
I'll wait for another day
before I unleash the watershed
that has been gathering
over my brow.

Very soon I shall cry.

Monday, 23 August 2010


The fiery flames of remorse -
More devastating than a flaming inferno
Burn with invisible heat that destroys -
But there are no ashes.
There is no burning out
No regeneration
No cleansing -
Just persistent, continuous eating away of the heart
Deathless, endless, perpetual.

The throbbing sting of
A scorpion or a snake -
Remorse is the poison that does not kill
Yet never eases, never heals.
Time sometimes, and sometimes our aging mind
Casts a curtain – and we take respite
As events, incidents, actions
Are buried in the folds of our brain.

What of the time then,
When there is no mind to hide the truth?
There is the self –
Faced with the open book of life before it -
Playing like a soap -
Only this time it is the story of life:
Your gadget set on continuous play.
The remote is not in your hands (there are no hands!)
You cannot ‘pause’...... or ‘forward’
(it ‘auto rewinds’ though, when it hurts most....).
Scene by scene, detail by detail,
Your life unfolds before your eyes –
Eyes that will not close at you will (there are no lids!)
Lost words and voices echo around your head -
You cannot close your ears (there are no ears!)
You stand up to run away from it all –
You can’t. (there are no feet!)
There is no escape. You are alone -
With just one soul mate - regret.
Your everlasting companion.
This is your hell – the promised Barzaq and Jahannam
Produced, directed and acted out by you, you alone.

Saturday, 26 June 2010

Oh Allah!
Lift me out of the darkness of ignorance
Into light of awareness
So I can wipe out
All traces of arrogance from my heart
And inundate it with humility, inshallah.

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

The Apology

He came to me as soon as I entered the class –

‘Miss I am sorry about what I did yesterday.

Though.............. I don’t know what I did wrong - ?????’

I felt sorry for him.

He had been rude. He had mocked my sincere advice -

Laughed in my face with arrogant daring.

I, a teacher. He, my student.

And now – this apology.

As I said: I felt sorry for him.

It isn’t really his fault –

Right and wrong; good and bad – threads of life

Are interwoven into a fabric with a new hue –

An altogether different shade

Unlike the original strands –

Not as bright as the colour of ‘good rightness’

Not as dull as the colour of ‘bad wrongness’

A baffling shade of deception -

Fair is foul and foul is fair! – Its true!

The voice of conscience

That dares to raise its head – is drowned;

Swamped by the baser voices

of selfishness, greed and raw desires.

Two teachers doling out advice –

Contrary advice.

Confusion. Stress. Distress.

Minds too tired to take a decision,

Trying to make sense out of contradictory statements.


A defeat. A victory.

For This poor child then, the answer is:

Give in. Just go with the flow –

That is easy: no brain strain.

Let the fake lights blind.

In this dazzling darkness – defeat garbs itself as victory.

Rights and wrongs don’t matter anymore.

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

My own private hell......

Allah has not created my hell for me
I have created my own private hell on this earth.
I smoulder in its fire -
Fire that needs no fuel,
Fire that feeds on my heart
And my mind;
Fire whose flames are colourless & invisible -
Yet, they char my face
And burn its beauty
Turning it into ugliness.
People turn away in scorn
Lighting yet another flame in my heart -
A flame of rejection.
With every sigh smoke rises
From the vicinity of my burning heart
Choking my throat
Suffocating me
And I curl into myself
Licking my raw wounds.
And I turn to Him again -
Turn to Him who created me
For He alone can help
Put out the flames.

I’m not giving up!

I'm learning things about myself everyday.
And I am accepting things about myself everyday.
I am endeavouring to change myself for the better everyday.
So I can be whole again
Like I was when Allah gave
me to me
- pure, clean, untainted.
So when I'm about to die
I can at least say: 'I tried.'

How successful will I be?
Or will I succeed at all?
No one knows except for Him
In whose hands is my life.

Every time though, it feels like a losing battle -
Everyday it seems to be getting hotter
In the cocoon of hell fire -
That I have created for myself - Not Allah.

(It is man that creates his own hell)
He has only been Merciful
Time and time again.
He has hidden my faults from the eyes of the world.
He has inspired me and protected me from my 'self',

My indulgent, lazy, and deceiving self.
That has corrupted my soul
And led it astray far too long
And far too much.
I can no more say to Him:
I return to You what is Yours.
I have taken His amanath
And distorted it so much
It is no more what it was -
Amanath mein khiyanath?

But I'm not giving up -
I will not give up.
I will live in hope inshallah -
I know He will save me
He will lift me out of this pit of darkness
And bring me into light, inshallah.

Thursday, 25 March 2010

Let go.......

Let go! Let go! Let go!
Stop hanging on to ideas
And theories and opinions -
They limit you
And imprison you -
They are the chains that envelope you
To your neck -
So you can neither turn nor look.

Open your heart
And allow pain to enter
And allow the anguish to wash away
Desires and ideologies that tie you down
And shackle you.

Let go! Let go! Let go!
Of your destiny -
So Allah can mould it as He wills.
Then your soul can be free

To take flight.

Give in! Give in! Give in!
- to Him.
Accept every opportunity

That comes your way

to be pleased with decisions

He has taken on your behalf
Sit back, slow down -

And let Allah's will prevail.

Saturday, 6 March 2010

O Allah!
Just like my heart beats
And my lungs breathe
In Your obedience –
Let my eyes look Your obedience,
My tongue speak Your obedience,
My mouth, eat and drink Your obedience,
My hands work ........ in Your obedience,
My feet step forward Your obedience –
Today and every day of the rest of my life,

Saturday, 13 February 2010


I thought regret

Would never touch me.
I scorned to hear

My elders say:
Don't waste good time,

You'll regret it one day.
I thought:
What regret

Are you talking about?
I am enjoying myself
I'm having fun
I will never regret

These joyous moments.

Years have moved on....

Like the grasshopper
I have let time pass me by,
youth pass me by,
Opportunity pass me by
Until now-
when I have a 'short' future

ahead of me
A 'long' past

behind me
My heart misses a beat

And sinks....

There is regret after all.

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Man's great folly

Losses, losses, losses.
I suffer losses every day.
There are so many losses -
I've lost count.

Lost friends, lost love,
Lost chances, lost time.......
All Losses.
Losses so great and so frequent
They don't seem like losses any more.

In fact, now I am not even aware
Of losing.

Ignorance is bliss, after all.

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Standing in front of Allah

Here I am standing, standing before Allah.

Neglectful and careless. Yes. This is my Salah.

Supposedly praying. A force of habit? A pretence?

Definitely not offering my best – A lack of reverence?

‘- here is what I’m giving Lord – take it or leave it

Well, that is my offering. Keep it - or trash it.’

Where is the sincerity His worship requires?

Where is the obedience His loyalty inspires?

A wandering mind, occupied in sinful thoughts,

Of anger and vengeance, and befitting retorts,

Of daily chores and material mires,

Of rampant jealousies and worldly desires.

‘Stop it!’ my conscience screams, ‘It’s Allah you’re facing!

Where are you lost? What devils are you chasing?’

It’s no use. The love of the world in control.

I’m lost and I’m drowning in misery untold.

I shake myself out of the trance I’m in.

I promise I’ll be serious – but again it begins.....

Oh Allah, my Benevolent Lord, my Creator,

These are the disgraceful returns I offer,

For the countless indulgences you shower every day,

For the deserved punishments you keep at bay.

I am not worthy my Lord, to walk on Your earth

To eat or to drink or to breathe just one breath.

I deserve to be chastised, denied every right,

Castigated for unfairness, rebuked for the slight.

You’ve kept Your promise – You are closer to me;

Closer than life itself – as You promised You’d be.

I’d promised You sincere obedience. And now:

I’m the one – it is I who has broken the vow.

I have cheated my Lord – haven’t given You Your due

I’ve no excuses – just the one simple truth – I LOVE YOU.

For lowly and mean as I am without doubt

My love for You is what keeps inner darkness out.

My trust is implicit – My life’s Your concern

To make my decisions – to do as You want.

My faith in Your Unity unquestioned and strong,

So punish me as You will – for each and every wrong.

I will bear every suffering, every crack of the whip,

But distance from You is the greatest hardship.

So Allah please, listen to just one ardent prayer

- keep me near You – Always.

Oh Guide of lost souls! Never, never let me stray.