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Tuesday, 11 May 2010

My own private hell......

Allah has not created my hell for me
I have created my own private hell on this earth.
I smoulder in its fire -
Fire that needs no fuel,
Fire that feeds on my heart
And my mind;
Fire whose flames are colourless & invisible -
Yet, they char my face
And burn its beauty
Turning it into ugliness.
People turn away in scorn
Lighting yet another flame in my heart -
A flame of rejection.
With every sigh smoke rises
From the vicinity of my burning heart
Choking my throat
Suffocating me
And I curl into myself
Licking my raw wounds.
And I turn to Him again -
Turn to Him who created me
For He alone can help
Put out the flames.

I’m not giving up!

I'm learning things about myself everyday.
And I am accepting things about myself everyday.
I am endeavouring to change myself for the better everyday.
So I can be whole again
Like I was when Allah gave
me to me
- pure, clean, untainted.
So when I'm about to die
I can at least say: 'I tried.'

How successful will I be?
Or will I succeed at all?
No one knows except for Him
In whose hands is my life.

Every time though, it feels like a losing battle -
Everyday it seems to be getting hotter
In the cocoon of hell fire -
That I have created for myself - Not Allah.

(It is man that creates his own hell)
He has only been Merciful
Time and time again.
He has hidden my faults from the eyes of the world.
He has inspired me and protected me from my 'self',

My indulgent, lazy, and deceiving self.
That has corrupted my soul
And led it astray far too long
And far too much.
I can no more say to Him:
I return to You what is Yours.
I have taken His amanath
And distorted it so much
It is no more what it was -
Amanath mein khiyanath?

But I'm not giving up -
I will not give up.
I will live in hope inshallah -
I know He will save me
He will lift me out of this pit of darkness
And bring me into light, inshallah.