Dua

'Oh Allah!
Let me make much of the good things that happen to me in life,

though they be little

- because happiness results only from gratitude.
Let me make little of trials and hurdles that come before me

though they be great

- for You have selected me for these tests

- thought me capable & worthy of facing them;

chosen them as my route to reaching You.

Therefore, oh Allah!
Make me strong.

Protect me from despair

- lest I seek help from others and not You.'

She's gone

She's gone,
slipping through my fingers.

I let her go.
And like deer released
she became a part of the forest
as if it was familiar -
a long lost homeland.
And like a fish
let back into the sea
she entered the depths
and embraced the unknown
as if it were a long lost friend.

And I, her guardian,
stood on the brink
and watched her disappear
displaced by the undergrowth,
displaced by the waves
- as if she had never been mine.

Man is a Pauper

Man is a pauper, really
he has nothing of real value
to give anybody.
Whatever he claims he owns
is actually not his.

I am rich!
I am young!
Iam healthy!
I am alive!
Actually he isn't.

Therefore,
It is best not to expect much from him.

Grieving

My words sound like a pretence
even to my own ears.
How must they seem to him
Who is aleady hurting?
- Like salt sprinkling
On an open wound.
I can understand if he thinks
I don't care -

But I do.

I have failed this child of mine
And it kills me inside-
the guilt, the regret.
I have no one but myself to blame
Had I only been wiser ........
Had I only been braver .........

I had no time fo him: he said.
It's true I had no time for him.
And I let him down
For one reason or another
And there can be no forgiveness -

It wasn't a lack of love -
No. I loved him then
- and I love him now.
No. It wasn't the loving
that was at fault -
It was the reason for living
that was faulty.
Had I learnt to live for Allah
rather than man
I would have loved and lived
With no regrets. No regrets. No regrets.

Now - there is no turning back
The hands of my life-clock.
To live again the time mis-spent.

The future though is mine -
And I'm still breathing.
I must heal the wounds
And ease the years of pain
Repaint the canvas of his mind
With happy memories
With trust and generosity
So that he can be whole again.
So he can, perhaps,
forgive me
And there can be peace for both of us.

O Allah, let me not die
before I have made peace with my child.
Before I have given him in full
what is rightfully his
-the love you placed in my heart
so I could bestow it on him.
You are indeed
The Most Merciful of the meciful.

Silence

The silence has extended too long.
Too long have I waited.................
..............twenty days too long.

The silence

Has not broken.
Not a whisper have I heard
Not a word,

Not a text,
Not even a smiley that’s angry.

Just silence.

Silence that is overpowering
Silence that is enveloping
Silence that is so quiet
I can hear its roar reverberate
around me.
Silence that is frightening me
Silence that is clouding my judgement
Silence that is taking over
Silence that is changing my life.
Silence that is damaging all I stand for
Silence that is terrifying me
Silence that is the signpost
in the story of my life

Marking an end ............

...........and a beginning of another end.

Silence that has begotten more silences.
Silence that has brought a quiet - without tranquillity.
Silence that is disturbing the peace

Replacing it with a clamour of emotions.
A heavy, heavy silence

Weighing down my heart.

Silence.
Silent rooms.

Silent house.

Silent voices.
Silent laughter.
Silent tears.
Silent yearning..........

......................yearning for a shattering

A shattering of silence.

reality is hitting home

Reality is hitting home.
The glamour and excitement of partying;
the relief and euphoria
of having found 'suitable spouses'
for both my daughters... is fading -
and reality is hitting home.
My girl is about to leave.

For good.

She is flying away to build her own nest...
leaving in my home
an empty space,
an empty bed,
an empty chair,
and empty air -
empty of her laughter.

There is a knot stuck in my throat
that I can't swallow;
and a twist where my heart is
that I can't untie.
I know I will cry soon -
very soon,
yet, for the present
I've kept my tears at bay.
I'll wait for another day
perhaps,
before I unleash the watershed
that has been gathering
over my brow.

Very soon I shall cry.

Remorse

The fiery flames of remorse -
More devastating than a flaming inferno
Burn with invisible heat that destroys -

But there are no ashes.
There is no burning out
No regeneration
No cleansing -
Just persistent, continuous eating away of the heart
Deathless, endless, perpetual.

The throbbing sting of
A scorpion or a snake -
Remorse is the poison that does not kill
Yet never eases, never heals.
Time sometimes, and sometimes our aging mind

Casts a curtain – and we take respite

As events, incidents, actions
Are buried in the folds of our brain.

What of the time then,

When there is no mind to hide the truth?
There is the self –

Faced with the open book of life before it -
Playing like a soap -
Only this time it is the story of life:
Your gadget set on continuous play.
The remote is not in your hands (there are no hands!)

You cannot ‘pause’...... or ‘forward’

(it ‘auto rewinds’ though, when it hurts most....).
Scene by scene, detail by detail,
Your life unfolds before your eyes –

Eyes that will not close at you will (there are no lids!)
Lost words and voices echo around your head -
You cannot close your ears (there are no ears!)
You stand up to run away from it all –

You can’t. (there are no feet!)

There is no escape. You are alone -

With just one soul mate - regret.
Your everlasting companion.

This is your hell – the promised Barzaq and Jahannam

Produced, directed and acted out by you, you alone.