Grieving

My words sound like a pretence
even to my own ears.
How must they seem to him
Who is aleady hurting?
- Like salt sprinkling
On an open wound.
I can understand if he thinks
I don't care -

But I do.

I have failed this child of mine
And it kills me inside-
the guilt, the regret.
I have no one but myself to blame
Had I only been wiser ........
Had I only been braver .........

I had no time fo him: he said.
It's true I had no time for him.
And I let him down
For one reason or another
And there can be no forgiveness -

It wasn't a lack of love -
No. I loved him then
- and I love him now.
No. It wasn't the loving
that was at fault -
It was the reason for living
that was faulty.
Had I learnt to live for Allah
rather than man
I would have loved and lived
With no regrets. No regrets. No regrets.

Now - there is no turning back
The hands of my life-clock.
To live again the time mis-spent.

The future though is mine -
And I'm still breathing.
I must heal the wounds
And ease the years of pain
Repaint the canvas of his mind
With happy memories
With trust and generosity
So that he can be whole again.
So he can, perhaps,
forgive me
And there can be peace for both of us.

O Allah, let me not die
before I have made peace with my child.
Before I have given him in full
what is rightfully his
-the love you placed in my heart
so I could bestow it on him.
You are indeed
The Most Merciful of the meciful.