Remorse

The fiery flames of remorse -
More devastating than a flaming inferno
Burn with invisible heat that destroys -

But there are no ashes.
There is no burning out
No regeneration
No cleansing -
Just persistent, continuous eating away of the heart
Deathless, endless, perpetual.

The throbbing sting of
A scorpion or a snake -
Remorse is the poison that does not kill
Yet never eases, never heals.
Time sometimes, and sometimes our aging mind

Casts a curtain – and we take respite

As events, incidents, actions
Are buried in the folds of our brain.

What of the time then,

When there is no mind to hide the truth?
There is the self –

Faced with the open book of life before it -
Playing like a soap -
Only this time it is the story of life:
Your gadget set on continuous play.
The remote is not in your hands (there are no hands!)

You cannot ‘pause’...... or ‘forward’

(it ‘auto rewinds’ though, when it hurts most....).
Scene by scene, detail by detail,
Your life unfolds before your eyes –

Eyes that will not close at you will (there are no lids!)
Lost words and voices echo around your head -
You cannot close your ears (there are no ears!)
You stand up to run away from it all –

You can’t. (there are no feet!)

There is no escape. You are alone -

With just one soul mate - regret.
Your everlasting companion.

This is your hell – the promised Barzaq and Jahannam

Produced, directed and acted out by you, you alone.

Oh Allah!
Lift me out of the darkness of ignorance
Into light of awareness
So I can wipe out
All traces of arrogance from my heart
And inundate it with humility, inshallah.

The Apology

He came to me as soon as I entered the class –

‘Miss I am sorry about what I did yesterday.

Though.............. I don’t know what I did wrong - ?????’

I felt sorry for him.

He had been rude. He had mocked my sincere advice -

Laughed in my face with arrogant daring.

I, a teacher. He, my student.

And now – this apology.

As I said: I felt sorry for him.

It isn’t really his fault –

Right and wrong; good and bad – threads of life

Are interwoven into a fabric with a new hue –

An altogether different shade

Unlike the original strands –

Not as bright as the colour of ‘good rightness’

Not as dull as the colour of ‘bad wrongness’

A baffling shade of deception -

Fair is foul and foul is fair! – Its true!

The voice of conscience

That dares to raise its head – is drowned;

Swamped by the baser voices

of selfishness, greed and raw desires.

Two teachers doling out advice –

Contrary advice.

Confusion. Stress. Distress.

Minds too tired to take a decision,

Trying to make sense out of contradictory statements.

Stalemate.

A defeat. A victory.

For This poor child then, the answer is:

Give in. Just go with the flow –

That is easy: no brain strain.

Let the fake lights blind.

In this dazzling darkness – defeat garbs itself as victory.

Rights and wrongs don’t matter anymore.

My own private hell......

Allah has not created my hell for me

I have created my own private hell on this earth.

I smoulder in its fire -

Fire that needs no fuel,

Fire that feeds on my heart

And my mind;

Fire whose flames are colourless & invisible -

Yet, they char my face

And burn its beauty

Turning it into ugliness.

People turn away in scorn

Lighting yet another flame in my heart -

A flame of rejection.

With every sigh smoke rises

From the vicinity of my burning heart

Choking my throat

Suffocating me

And I curl into myself

Licking my raw wounds.

And I turn to Him again -

Turn to Him who created me

For He alone can help

Put out the flames.

I’m not giving up!

I'm learning things about myself everyday.
And I am accepting things about myself everyday.
I am endeavouring to change myself for the better everyday.
So I can be whole again
Like I was when Allah gave
me to me
- pure, clean, untainted.
So when I'm about to die
I can at least say: 'I tried.'

How successful will I be?
Or will I succeed at all?
No one knows except for Him
In whose hands is my life.

Every time though, it feels like a losing battle -
Everyday it seems to be getting hotter
In the cocoon of hell fire -
That I have created for myself - Not Allah.

(It is man that creates his own hell)
He has only been Merciful
Time and time again.
He has hidden my faults from the eyes of the world.
He has inspired me and protected me from my 'self',

My indulgent, lazy, and deceiving self.
That has corrupted my soul
And led it astray far too long
And far too much.
I can no more say to Him:
I return to You what is Yours.
I have taken His amanath
And distorted it so much
It is no more what it was -
Amanath mein khiyanath?

But I'm not giving up -
I will not give up.
I will live in hope inshallah -
I know He will save me
He will lift me out of this pit of darkness
And bring me into light, inshallah.

Let go.......

Let go! Let go! Let go!
Stop hanging on to ideas
And theories and opinions -
They limit you
And imprison you -
They are the chains that envelope you
To your neck -
So you can neither turn nor look.

Open your heart
And allow pain to enter
And allow the anguish to wash away
Desires and ideologies that tie you down
And shackle you.

Let go! Let go! Let go!
Of your destiny -
So Allah can mould it as He wills.
Then your soul can be free

To take flight.

Give in! Give in! Give in!
- to Him.
Accept every opportunity

That comes your way

to be pleased with decisions

He has taken on your behalf
Sit back, slow down -

And let Allah's will prevail.

O Allah!

Just like my heart beats

And my lungs breathe

In Your obedience –

Let my eyes look ......in Your obedience,

My tongue speak ........in Your obedience,

My mouth, eat and drink .........in Your obedience,

My hands work ........ in Your obedience,

My feet step forward ..........in Your obedience –

Today and every day of the rest of my life,

Inshallah.