My own private hell......

Allah has not created my hell for me

I have created my own private hell on this earth.

I smoulder in its fire -

Fire that needs no fuel,

Fire that feeds on my heart

And my mind;

Fire whose flames are colourless & invisible -

Yet, they char my face

And burn its beauty

Turning it into ugliness.

People turn away in scorn

Lighting yet another flame in my heart -

A flame of rejection.

With every sigh smoke rises

From the vicinity of my burning heart

Choking my throat

Suffocating me

And I curl into myself

Licking my raw wounds.

And I turn to Him again -

Turn to Him who created me

For He alone can help

Put out the flames.

I’m not giving up!

I'm learning things about myself everyday.
And I am accepting things about myself everyday.
I am endeavouring to change myself for the better everyday.
So I can be whole again
Like I was when Allah gave
me to me
- pure, clean, untainted.
So when I'm about to die
I can at least say: 'I tried.'

How successful will I be?
Or will I succeed at all?
No one knows except for Him
In whose hands is my life.

Every time though, it feels like a losing battle -
Everyday it seems to be getting hotter
In the cocoon of hell fire -
That I have created for myself - Not Allah.

(It is man that creates his own hell)
He has only been Merciful
Time and time again.
He has hidden my faults from the eyes of the world.
He has inspired me and protected me from my 'self',

My indulgent, lazy, and deceiving self.
That has corrupted my soul
And led it astray far too long
And far too much.
I can no more say to Him:
I return to You what is Yours.
I have taken His amanath
And distorted it so much
It is no more what it was -
Amanath mein khiyanath?

But I'm not giving up -
I will not give up.
I will live in hope inshallah -
I know He will save me
He will lift me out of this pit of darkness
And bring me into light, inshallah.

Let go.......

Let go! Let go! Let go!
Stop hanging on to ideas
And theories and opinions -
They limit you
And imprison you -
They are the chains that envelope you
To your neck -
So you can neither turn nor look.

Open your heart
And allow pain to enter
And allow the anguish to wash away
Desires and ideologies that tie you down
And shackle you.

Let go! Let go! Let go!
Of your destiny -
So Allah can mould it as He wills.
Then your soul can be free

To take flight.

Give in! Give in! Give in!
- to Him.
Accept every opportunity

That comes your way

to be pleased with decisions

He has taken on your behalf
Sit back, slow down -

And let Allah's will prevail.

O Allah!

Just like my heart beats

And my lungs breathe

In Your obedience –

Let my eyes look ......in Your obedience,

My tongue speak ........in Your obedience,

My mouth, eat and drink .........in Your obedience,

My hands work ........ in Your obedience,

My feet step forward ..........in Your obedience –

Today and every day of the rest of my life,

Inshallah.

Regret.....

I thought regret

Would never touch me.
I scorned to hear

My elders say:
Don't waste good time,

You'll regret it one day.
I thought:
What regret

Are you talking about?
I am enjoying myself
I'm having fun
I will never regret

These joyous moments.

Years have moved on....

Like the grasshopper
I have let time pass me by,
youth pass me by,
Opportunity pass me by
Until now-
when I have a 'short' future

ahead of me
A 'long' past

behind me
My heart misses a beat

And sinks....

There is regret after all.

Man's great folly

Losses, losses, losses.
I suffer losses every day.
There are so many losses -
I've lost count.

Lost friends, lost love,
Lost chances, lost time.......
All Losses.
Losses so great and so frequent
They don't seem like losses any more.

In fact, now I am not even aware
Of losing.

Ignorance is bliss, after all.

Standing in front of Allah

Here I am standing, standing before Allah.

Neglectful and careless. Yes. This is my Salah.

Supposedly praying. A force of habit? A pretence?

Definitely not offering my best – A lack of reverence?

‘- here is what I’m giving Lord – take it or leave it

Well, that is my offering. Keep it - or trash it.’

Where is the sincerity His worship requires?

Where is the obedience His loyalty inspires?

A wandering mind, occupied in sinful thoughts,

Of anger and vengeance, and befitting retorts,

Of daily chores and material mires,

Of rampant jealousies and worldly desires.

‘Stop it!’ my conscience screams, ‘It’s Allah you’re facing!

Where are you lost? What devils are you chasing?’

It’s no use. The love of the world in control.

I’m lost and I’m drowning in misery untold.

I shake myself out of the trance I’m in.

I promise I’ll be serious – but again it begins.....

Oh Allah, my Benevolent Lord, my Creator,

These are the disgraceful returns I offer,

For the countless indulgences you shower every day,

For the deserved punishments you keep at bay.

I am not worthy my Lord, to walk on Your earth

To eat or to drink or to breathe just one breath.

I deserve to be chastised, denied every right,

Castigated for unfairness, rebuked for the slight.

You’ve kept Your promise – You are closer to me;

Closer than life itself – as You promised You’d be.

I’d promised You sincere obedience. And now:

I’m the one – it is I who has broken the vow.

I have cheated my Lord – haven’t given You Your due

I’ve no excuses – just the one simple truth – I LOVE YOU.

For lowly and mean as I am without doubt

My love for You is what keeps inner darkness out.

My trust is implicit – My life’s Your concern

To make my decisions – to do as You want.

My faith in Your Unity unquestioned and strong,

So punish me as You will – for each and every wrong.

I will bear every suffering, every crack of the whip,

But distance from You is the greatest hardship.

So Allah please, listen to just one ardent prayer

- keep me near You – Always.

Oh Guide of lost souls! Never, never let me stray.